hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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