I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
