I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
