got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
