I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
