I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
