I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
