i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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