So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
