you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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