can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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