our cab driver is having phone sex.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
