Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
