he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
