I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
