i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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