I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
