So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
