Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
