All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
