we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
