upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Houston, we have a squirter
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
