I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
