The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
