dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
