If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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