Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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