I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
