So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
This house was built for laser tag.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
