And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
