the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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