she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
