Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
