Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
