His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
