Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
