Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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