Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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