I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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