I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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