I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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