I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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