She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
