God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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