He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
God I need to hump something, right now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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