T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
