get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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