I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
