Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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