He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
