i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
