When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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