why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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