Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
