Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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