I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
