i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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