In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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