He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
