would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
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