I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
